Back in 2003 I wrote a poem that got published…not only did it get published, but the book it was published in is titled after the poem. The first stanza reads as follows:
I was a strange little boy, constantly afraid.
Always running to hide, never running to play.
I was afraid of everything.
Scared of the day; scared at night.
Afraid of the dark; afraid in the light.
I would lie in my bed, scared to take a breath
And, I would think to myself, “Is it ok to breathe?”
“No. Not yet.”
I’m a grown man now. I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30. I’m in what should be the prime of my life. I should be doing things and going places. I should be happy and looking forward. Instead, I only look back. I only see what’s in the rearview mirror — all the mistakes and missteps; all of the bad decisions and poor choices. I only look back because when I look ahead I still see darkness. I still see the darkness in me and I’m still afraid.
I spend a lot of time alone these days. I don’t go out of the house much and when I do it’s just short trips…to the store, my sister’s house…things like that. But, most of the time I’m at home alone with only myself for company. Unfortunately, I’m my least favorite person to be around these days. When I find myself alone with my own thoughts I get unbearably tired. I just want to flip the switch that turns my brain off. I want peace and quiet, but in the darkness there is a constant explosion — the deafening roar of wasted time, energy and emotion. It hurts my ears.
Even now I’m sitting at my desk staring at a computer monitor. It’s my best friend these days. It’s basically the only contact I have with anyone outside this prison I’ve created for myself. Late at night though, in the dark, it’s lonely, too. Late at night when I open it up there’s no one on the other side…it’s just me and the machine.
It’s dark in here and I’m still scared of the dark. I’m scared of the dark because when I look into it I can see with amazing clarity what I’m becoming. I’m that guy from high school — you know the one. Everybody remembers his face, but nobody seems to know his name. Where’d he go? Whatever happened to……..what was his name again?
I don’t like that guy. It’s dark in here and I’m still scared of the dark.
janthonywalker