And this is how it is…

I used to think I was smart.  I used to think I was a good musician.  I used to think I was a good writer.  My thinking has changed.

When I was growing up and in school people used to tell me how smart they thought I was.  I didn’t really ever buy into it all that much but, you know after a while you kinda start believing things that you hear over and over again.  I never really considered myself a genius or anything and I certainly knew that there were people smarter than me, but I always caught on to stuff really easily, especially History and English, so I kinda thought, ok, maybe I’m smart.

Like I said, my thinking has changed.  I’m barely hanging on this semester.  The last two semesters I’ve managed to pull 4.0’s but, this semester I’ll be lucky to hit a 3.  This semester is the first semester since I’ve been back in school that I’ve had classes that are really even a bit challenging.  I’m struggling — BIG TIME!!  I’ve got a 15-20 page paper due in a month and I don’t even really know where to start.  I’m supposed to integrate the concepts I’ve learned this semester, but I don’t know how to do it, which tells me I haven’t learned anything.  My friends from school have all seemed to manage to get through school, graduate and go on to lead happy and productive lives.  Meanwhile, I’m 37, work a job making $12 an hour, miserable and barely making it.  I used to think I was smart.  I’ve changed my thinking.

Around sixth grade, I started playing music.  I learned piano at home and started playing trumpet in school.  I was really pretty good at both of them — once again, I seemed to catch on really easily.  All through high school I competed in music contests and won many of them.  I had medals, patches, trophies and ribbons all saying what a great musician I was.  I even received an award from the United States Marine Corps when I was a senior.  They wanted me to audition for the Marine Band.  I didn’t do that and instead took a near full scholarship to East Texas State University (now Texas A&M Commerce) in music.

When I got to school and auditioned for my place I was seated 17th out of 21 trumpets.  It was 15 seats lower than I’d ever been seated in a band before.  I was humiliated.  I was playing third part trumpet when I’d always played first.  Then classes started and the humiliation and embarrassment deepened even further.  My very first day in Music Theory we were assigned a paper on Solfeggio — not only did I not know what that was, I’d never even heard the word.  Everyone else in the class seemed to know exactly what they were doing.

Twenty one days after classes started, I withdrew from all of my classes and went home.  I had never been so embarrassed in my life.  I couldn’t stand knowing that I didn’t know nearly as much about music as I thought.  I’d been hearing for seven years what a great musician I was and I was suddenly faced with the fact that I was at best…mediocre.  Over the past several years I’ve played from time to time and sung here and there.  Meanwhile I have friends making CD’s and traveling the globe doing what I was supposed to be so good at.  I used to think I was a good musician.  I’ve changed my thinking.

I started writing when I was just a kid.  Even in elementary school I enjoyed writing book reports and other reports for classes.  When I was in high school I had two different English teachers call me into their rooms privately to tell me how impressed they were with the work I’d done.  I remember my senior research paper — when I spoke with my teacher about it, she told me it was one of the best written she’d ever read and that I should consider a career writing.  Of course, I was still under the deception that I was a good musician, so I ignored her.

I’ve done a lot of writing over the last couple of years and have received numerous compliments on my work.  Recently, though I started reading the work of a friend of mine, and frankly, I can’t write like that.  I don’t know how.  He has literally hundreds of people reading his work every single day and I struggle to get out of single digits.  I’ve submitted work for publication and been turned down multiple times.  He has been published multiple times in national magazines.  I used to think I was a good writer.  I’ve changed my thinking.

And this is how it is…..

I’ve though many things about myself and each time God has seen fit to put someone in my path to reveal to me just how wrong I really am.  So, I accept my mediocrity now.  I accept my $12 an hour job and I accept my 2.5.  I have believed for years now that there are people in the world destined to achieve and people in the world destined to stand by and watch and I accept now that I am a watcher.  I will not be a well-known musician, I will not teach others what I know and I will not change the world with my words.

Because this is how it is.