Updates and Changes

Friends:

                It has taken many hours for me to finish this note.  The truths in it are truths that I have hidden from the vast majority of people who know me for many years.  I realize now, however that to continue hiding them would be of no continued benefit.  I recognize that for me to gain any healing, any freedom I must be totally open and honest.  Also, if there are any of you who suffer as I have, I want you to know that you are not alone.

                Since about the age of ten, I have suffered with severe anxiety disorder and panic attacks.  Of course, at that time, people didn’t know as much about them and they had not yet been given that name.  Nevertheless, they were just as real then as they are now. 

                In the beginning, doctors told my mother that I suffered from a “nervous stomach” because I would wake up every morning and get sick before school.  Gradually they progressed with other symptoms:  dizziness, racing thoughts, cold sweats, elevated heart rate, heart palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, and others.  By age 19, I was having increasingly debilitating attacks that left me afraid of the world.

                Since graduating high school I have been hired for and then quit or lost numerous jobs; I have started and quit school multiple times; I have lost friends and alienated family members.  My world is becoming smaller and smaller now.  I rarely leave my home and when I do it is only with family and for very short trips.  I have not driven alone further than our local grocery store in more than two months.  My fear has driven me inside and away from the people I care most about and the things I love doing.

                I have begun a program that has helped many people overcome their anxiety and depression and I pray it will do the same for me.  It is called “Attacking Anxiety and Depression” and is published by the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety.  You may have seen it advertised on television.  It is a sixteen week program that treats the problem with cognitive therapy and behavior modification.  Through it, I hope to learn the skills I need to overcome the paralyzing panic attacks that have taken such a toll on me.

                You have been following this blog, “Journeys” for quite some time.  I have, for the time being, suspended writing here.  But, I have started a new blog dealing specifically with this process of overcoming the anxiety I have suffered with for so long.  “I Breathed Again” is located at http://jwalkergs.wordpress.com/  I want to ask each of you to follow me there.  Why?  Because I need the encouragement and support of people who know me best and care about me most.

                Because much of what will be posted there is sensitive to me, I want to ask you to please subscribe so that I can keep track of who is reading.  The process is simple and it doesn’t cost a penny!  From the main page of the blog, simply click beneath my picture where it says “Subscribe to Receive Updates Via Email”.  You will be asked for your email address and once you receive the verification email and verify the address you will begin receiving updates.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to flood your inbox.

                Of course, I understand that many of you might not wish to join and that is fine.  You are welcome to read anytime you choose.  But, please understand when I tell you that I will only be allowing comments on the blog from subscribers.  It’s nothing personal…again, it’s just about sensitive information and a desire to keep track of who is reading.

                This is extraordinarily difficult for me to admit.  I feel weak and inadequate because of how I have become.  I can only pray that this process, this program will help me achieve the things in life I want to achieve.  No more lies, no more stories – from here on out it is the plain and simple truth.  As I say on the blog I want to “leave a life of fear and live a life of freedom!” 

                Thank you so much for your friendship; for your time and for your support!  I care about all of you more than you know!

 

Blessings,

Jason

Thou Shalt Not Murder

I’ve gone round and round about the morality and appropriateness of the Death Penalty for a long time.  For me, the pendulum has swung back and forth numerous times.  As I’ve gotten older and more tempered, I’ve become increasingly less comfortable with the State of Texas (or any other state) sanctioning and, in fact, carrying out the taking of human life.  I’ve considered it on many levels and now I believe I have come to what will be my final conclusion on the matter.

I am, without exception, pro-life.  I do not believe that abortion should be legal under any circumstance except when carrying a child to term would endanger the life of the mother.  Even then it is not something I’m comfortable with.  I’ve always thought that it might be a bit disingenuous of me to hold such a firm stance on abortion and not capitol punishment.  After a lot of soul searching and searching my own conscience, I have determined that I can not.

I recognize that reasonable people can disagree on this.  I understand that there are those who believe that capitol punishment is, in fact, not “murder” and therefore not covered under the Biblical prohibition.  I understand that the Old Testament especially is replete with examples of the execution of criminals guilty of certain crimes.  However, I believe that we now live in a new time — I think all Christians would agree on that.  We live in a time when, although many people believe “our Faith” is under attack and siege, we do not face direct assaults on those of us who practice it.  We are not living in a  time when our very existence as believers is being immanently threatened as Israel’s was in the days of the Old Testament.  In other words, their circumstances were quite different than ours.

We can not, as a civilized people, continue to tolerate the extinction of human life under any circumstance whether it is the abortion of an unborn child or the state-sanctioned murder of prisoners.  We must reevaluate the way we view crime and punishment.  We must rid ourselves of our seemingly voracious appetite for vengeance.  Somehow, we have become convinced that “an eye for an eye” is a legitimate philosophy when it comes to punishing criminal offenders.

Some people claim that capitol punishment offers the victims of crime or their families some sort of closure.  They claim that the death of a person who may have caused the death of their family member somehow consoles them in their grief.  In truth, there is no consolation for the death of a close friend or family member.  In fact, watching interviews of victim’s families following the execution of the killers guilty of the crimes frequently elicits an opposite response.  Vengeance is not justice.  Vengeance is not consolation.

I can not put it any more clearly than this – we must discontinue capitol punishment as acceptable.  The maximum penatly for crimes of this nature should be life imprisonment without possibility of parole.  But, we should never, as civilized people, sanction the taking of human life.  We should take heed to the Father when He declares, “vengeance is mine.”

Disclaimer:  I did not mention war in this post because war is a special circumstance.  I will deal with war in a future post.  Please keep any responses germane to this particular post.  Thank you.

The Darkness in Me

Back in 2003 I wrote a poem that got published…not only did it get published, but the book it was published in is titled after the poem.  The first stanza reads as follows:

I was a strange little boy, constantly afraid.

Always running to hide, never running to play.

I was afraid of everything.

Scared of the day; scared at night.

Afraid of the dark; afraid in the light.

I would lie in my bed, scared to take a breath

And, I would think to myself, “Is it ok to breathe?”

“No.  Not yet.”

I’m a grown man now.  I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30.  I’m in what should be the prime of my life.  I should be doing things and going places.  I should be happy and looking forward.  Instead, I only look back.  I only see what’s in the rearview mirror — all the mistakes and missteps; all of the bad decisions and poor choices.  I only look back because when I look ahead I still see darkness.  I still see the darkness in me and I’m still afraid.

I spend a lot of time alone these days.  I don’t go out of the house much and when I do it’s just short trips…to the store, my sister’s house…things like that.  But, most of the time I’m at home alone with only myself for company.  Unfortunately, I’m my least favorite person to be around these days.  When I find myself alone with my own thoughts I get unbearably tired.  I just want to flip the switch that turns my brain off.  I want peace and quiet, but in the darkness there is a constant explosion — the deafening roar of wasted time, energy and emotion.  It hurts my ears.

Even now I’m sitting at my desk staring at a computer monitor.  It’s my best friend these days.  It’s basically the only contact I have with anyone outside this prison I’ve created for myself.  Late at night though, in the dark, it’s lonely, too.  Late at night when I open it up there’s no one on the other side…it’s just me and the machine. 

It’s dark in here and I’m still scared of the dark.  I’m scared of the dark because when I look into it I can see with amazing clarity what I’m becoming.  I’m that guy from high school — you know the one.  Everybody remembers his face, but nobody seems to know his name.  Where’d he go?  Whatever happened to……..what was his name again? 

I don’t like that guy.  It’s dark in here and I’m still scared of the dark.

Removing the Grave Clothes

This is my first attempt at a video blog.  So, everybody be nice.  I might do more of these depending on what the response is.  I made this on Monday morning after I attended a “Night of Praise” with Dennis Jernigan at Lakeside Church in Canton, Texas.  Something Dennis said during his ministry time really spoke to me and I wanted to share it with you.

Blessings to all of you!

Jason

Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee – Good Friday Reflection

Good Friday - April 10, 2009

Jesus, the very thought of thee
with sweetness fills the breast;
but sweeter far thy face to see,
and in thy presence rest.

As I continue on my Journey, I am confronted daily with the ugliness of my past.  I admit, and many of you who read my blog know, that I still struggle with guilt over the things I’ve done.  Frankly, asking and accepting God’s forgiveness has been far easier than asking it of myself.  In the beginning I would let myself be bogged down in guilt — there are days when that still happens.  But, I have learned that during these times to take my eyes off myself and focus on the face of Christ.

The words of the hymn are true; the face of Jesus is far sweeter than the world I see around me or the ugliness I see within me.  Today, on Good Friday, I think about the face of Jesus on the Cross.  He was beaten and bruised beyond even being recognizable as a human being and many people who saw him that day turned their faces in horror.  That, I think, is a stark picture of where many of us find ourselves at times.  We have turned our faces away from the Crucified Christ not because it is grotesque, but because we see the grotesque nature of our sin that placed Him there.  Yet, even as we turn away, His eyes are cast upward toward the Father, pleading our case before him.

Just as there were many who were appalled at him—his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness (Isa 52:14)

As we seek the face of Jesus on this day, and every day, we are reminded of His love and kindness.  Even looking at those words ‘love’ and ‘kindness’ there seems to be a disconnect from what it is Jesus did for us.  Jesus the man willingly underwent horrific cruelty, physical torture and torment for people He loved but didn’t even know.  It is in that love that we find redemption.  It is His love that “while we were yet sinners” caused him to give up His life.

I’ve learned that it is impossible to truly seek him without finding joy and peace.  As I begin to understand Him and know Him in a way that was hidden from me for so long, I can finally know that truth about Him.  How I wish that so many people, even some believers, could be unshackled and un-blinded to the true nature of Jesus the man!  How I wish they could know how deep and abiding His love for us really is!

O hope of every contrite heart,
O joy of all the meek,
to those who fall, how kind thou art! 
How good to those who seek!

There are no words for this day that come close to telling the whole story.  I find myself staring at my computer monitor without the ability to say what I feel in my heart.  As frustrating as it is to be lacking words to describe what He means to me, I rejoice in the fact that it is because I know Him and because I am one of His beloved that I am rendered speechless.  He means more than anything else possibly could. 

But what to those who find?  Ah, this
nor tongue nor pen can show;
the love of Jesus, what it is,
none but his loved ones know.

Jesus, our only joy be thou,
as thou our prize wilt be;
Jesus, be thou our glory now,
and through eternity.

It’s hard to think about, but it is true that our glory begins at the Cross of Christ.  In fact, there is no glory that belongs to us short of being purified by His shed blood.  Good Friday reminds us that our prize is not “riches in heaven” or a “mansion over the hilltop”.  Our prize is Jesus.  Although our lives are spent looking back at the Cross, it is vitally important that we do.  Were it not for the pain and shame of the Cross, there would be no Resurrection.  Were it not for the Cross, there would be nothing.

How much does Jesus love us?  Consider what The Prophet Isaiah tells us:

53:1 Who has believed what he has heard from us? [1]
And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
2 For he grew up before him like a young plant,
and like a root out of dry ground;
he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
and no beauty that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected [2] by men;
a man of sorrows, [3] and acquainted with [4] grief; [5]
and as one from whom men hide their faces [6]
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief; [7]
when his soul makes [8] an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see [9] and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many, [10]
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong, [11]
because he poured out his soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
and makes intercession for the transgressors.

“He poured out his soul to death” and he bore our sin.  He bore my sin! 

Lord,
your son has suffered so much, shed so much blood.
I was born with so many faults
and my nature is so full of weakness,
and yet your son Jesus has died on the cross.
For me.
I know your grace has the power
to cleanse me of my many sins
and to make me more like your Son.
Thank you for your goodness and love for me.
I ask you, Father, to watch over me – always.

I Surrender All – A reflection for Holy Thursday

Holy Thursday – April 9, 2009

When I was growing up and attending the Methodist Church in our town, Holy Thursday, or Maundy Thursday as we referred to it, was always a day I looked forward to in the church.  The service for Holy Thursday is very solemn and contemplative, it is also a time that points us toward Good Friday and The Cross of Christ.  At the end of the service, we would all proceed to the altar and partake of The Lord’s Supper or Communion; after the celebration of Communion, the altar vestments would be removed and the altar draped in black.  We would leave the church in silence, reflecting on Christ’s suffering and sacrifice.

Although my personal faith does not require the symbolism (and in fact I’ve not been to a Holy Thursday service in several years), I do think the symbolism offers a tangible reminder of what this week truly means and where it really leads us.  I think sometimes we need those reminders, those moments where we are confronted with how great Jesus’ sacrifice really was and what it really means to us as God’s prodigal children.  Jesus’ sacrifice made room at the table for us where there was no room before.  It reminds us that, for a moment, Jesus surrendered his place at the Father’s side to take on our sin and restore us to relationship with the Father.

I think as we are reminded of how much Jesus gave up for us, it is important to realize that his sacrifice for us demands a sacrifice from us.  We can not overlook this as we prepare for Resurrection Day, or as we go about our daily lives.  Although God’s grace is a gift offered free of charge, the acceptance of that gift then requires our obedience to its call.  Ironically, though, our surrender does not signal our defeat; rather, as we surrender ourselves to God’s Kingdom and the worldly kingdoms we’ve constructed fall, the banner of victory is raised in our lives!

Back in the mid-nineties, Clay Crosse, a contemporary Christian artist, had a hit song entitled, “I Surrender All”.  The song is not a retread of the old hymn, but a new take on its meaning.  I loved the song from the moment I first heard it.  I played it over and over again and learned the words by heart.  But, it wasn’t until one afternoon driving to the grocery store that I really took the words to heart and the revelation that came to me was at the same time frightening and liberating!

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles that I’ve constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand

In the middle of the battle I believe I’ve finally found
I never know the thrill of victory till I’m willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I’m laying down my arms and running helplessly to yours

 We all wrestle with things in life — I certainly have and still do.  Whether our struggles are with sexual sin, addiction, anger or the myriad and infinite other sins that plague all of us, all sin is a product of pride.  All sin is rooted in a belief, conscious or subconscious, that we know better than God what is best for our lives.  In this pride, we build for ourselves ‘castles’ of our own making.  They seem strong and impenetrable, but are only paper thin and sit on a foundation that shifts with every event in our lives.  Each time the foundation is shaken, we find ourselves rebuilding the parts that fell.

I’ve constructed many of these kingdoms for myself over the years.  Time after time I find the remnants of my idea of a mighty fortress strewn at my feet, wasted by the storm raging in my life.  Such a time happened two years ago when I came face to face with my own destruction at the hands of a deception in my own heart.  It was in that moment I realized my helplessness, indeed my hopelessness without the presence of Christ as my focus.  Thus began my Journey back to the open arms of the Father where I would find true strength beyond my wildest dreams!

If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I obtain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vein

So I lay aside these trophies to peruse a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willing to lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it’s only by your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise

When I look back on my life I see many accomplishments and successes.  Just a few days ago I pulled a box out of storage that contained all of my high school memories.  Amongst the old yearbooks and photos were all of the awards I won as a musician.  (Yes, I kept them all.)  I stopped and looked at all of them — the patches, the certificates, the trophies and plaques.  I remember how I got every one of them, but what I can’t remember is how I felt when I did.  As important as each one of them was to me at the time, after twenty years they offer little more than a few moments of nostalgia.  These “victories” of my past have had no lasting benefit in my life.  Not one of the trophies in that box kept me from harm and not one of them brought me peace.

Understand that I am, by no means, saying that accomplishments like this are not important.  However, put in the broader context of life and eternity, they don’t even register on the radar.  I have come to hold to the truth that in order to truly pursue Christ, I must first be willing to lay all of these things down and walk away from them.  The tighter I hold to them and the longer I cling to them, the further I move from the Glory of Christ!

Everything I am, all I’ve done, and all I’ve known
Now belongs to you, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that you desire
I surrender all

If my desire is to be used by God and for Him to use the gifts He has given me, then I miss the point of the Gospel.  My desire must be Christ and Him alone!  Yes, God gave me a gift for music; He gave me a gift for writing, but if the use of those gifts is my only desire — my only goal — then I am wasting my time.  As nobel as it may be to pray, “Father, let me be your instrument in this world.  Let me use the gifts you’ve given me to advance your Kingdom here on earth,” I wonder if it is the prayer of someone truly focused on Christ or if it is the prayer of someone focused on themselves?

What I’ve come to realize is that I must be willing to say, “Father, You have given me these gifts for which I am truly thankful.  I want to use them for Your Glory.  But, if You should choose to take them from me today, I will continue to praise You for the rest of my days.”  To paraphrase the words of Job, “the LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away.  Blessed be the Name of the LORD!”  It is only when I am willing to give up EVERYTHING that I can praise Him in “spirit and truth”!

I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

Dreams are not bad things.  I believe God gives each of us an internal drive toward these things.  But, when we allow them to take precedent in our lives we are drawn away from Christ and into our own ‘castles’.  As believers in and followers of Christ, we must each be willing to sacrifice whatever He asks us to sacrifice in pursuit of Him.  Please notice my words here; we must be in pursuit of HIM — not His Hand, not His Kingdom, but HIM!  Only when we are willing to lay aside everything and focus on the Face of God through Christ Jesus can the desires of our hearts be in line with the desire of His Heart for us.

I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

“I surrender all my human soul desires…”, and this leads us back to Holy Thursday:  after the meal with His disciples, Jesus went to pray in the garden.  It is in His words there that we get a glimpse of both His deity and His humanity. 

And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.”  Matthew 26:39

Jesus knew what was about to happen.  He knew what suffering He was about to undergo and His humanity led him to His face before His Father asking if there was another way.  Like us, Jesus didn’t want to suffer pain, humiliation or death and at that moment in the garden, everything inside His human form cried out for mercy and reprieve.  But, in the same moment, He relinquished His own will for the Will of the Father.  As such, He would endure the supreme act of sacrifice known to man — to give up His life for the lives of those He loves.

As we prepare for Resurrection Sunday, let us not skip over and forget Christ’s Passion.  Without His willingness to surrender everything He had, and literaly everything He was, there would be no celebration of victory over the grave.  His sacrifice serves as an example to us as to how we should live.  Accepting His sacrifice requires a willingness within us to sacrifice everything in pursuit of Him.  We must be prepared to relinquish the castles we’ve constructed and set aside any praise we might receive in favor of Christ alone.

O Lord,
The house of my soul is narrow;
enlarge it that you may enter in.
It is ruinous, O repair it!
It displeases Your sight.
I confess it, I know.
But who shall cleanse it,
to whom shall I cry but to you?
Cleanse me from my secret faults, O Lord,
and spare Your servant from strange sins.
St. Augustine of Hippo (AD 354-430)

“Christian” Know-it-all’s

I woke up early this morning — indigestion.  That’s what I get for eating too late in the evening…okay, okay — I’ve learned my lesson!  I hopped on the computer to check email, balance my checkbook and just get a sense of what’s going on in the world this morning.  When I checked my blog for comments, I saw that there was a view generated from a tag in another WordPress blog.  So, as I always do, I clicked on it to see who’s reading what…..it’s sort of like “Six Degrees of Separation” in the blogosphere.  For the last hour or so, I’ve been reading various posts on this blog – and believe me, “Chrystal” has something to say about EVERYTHING!!

At the bottom of each post there is a list of the various categories dealt with and the list is quite impressive.  From Apostasy to the Antichrist; from the Emerging Church to the End Times – there’s something for just about everyone.  Please understand, I’m not just picking on Chrystal’s “Slaughter of the Lambs” blog, there are many others out there just like it.  What I’m talking about here is an abundance of “Christian” know-it-all’s roaming around our world today.  They are everywhere with an answer for everything and a judgement for everyone — except themselves, of course – and they’re ready to tell you just what they think of your pathetic, sinful, blasphemous existence!

I think most of these people are well-meaning.  I don’t believe they are “hate mongers” as some might suggest and I do believe that they believe the things they say.  But, I also believe that they are mistaken about a great many things and that their view of acceptable faith is narrow and unyielding to the truths of human existence that even God understands.  These sisters and brothers call themselves “discerning”, but their discernment always seems to lead them to the same conclusion — they are right and you are wrong!  I won’t go so far as to call them arrogant, although I do believe that their faith in their own understanding is rooted in pride, but I will call them unflinchingly convinced in their own righteousness!

Christian know-it-all’s are not unique to our day and age — not by a long shot.  There are examples of them for every generation, every movement….every wind that blows seems to blow a few of them in.  The rub is that much of what they say is completely true.  Unfortunately, the way they choose to say it is the problem.  But, don’t tell them that or they’ll tell you that they are saying it “the way Jesus said it”.  I wonder, though, when Jesus “said it” was He gritting His teeth and scowling His disapproval?  I can’t get away from this truth — evil is present in our world.  It is present everywhere, even our churches.  There is no shortage of examples of it for Chritians to warn against, but I think we must choose our words carefully and wisely. 

There’s another truth I can’t seem to get away from.  I’ve said it to many people over the years and will continue to say it until someone gets it!  I heard a pastor preach a sermon once upon a time — a pretty harsh indictment of the church.  During this sermon he said that while we build our church buildings bigger and better; while we celebrate JUST HOW RIGHT AND RIGHTEOUS WE ARE, there are people dying in the shadows of our steeples! 

I have always imagined in my mind a picture of the most amazing church building on a beautiful Sunday morning.  The parking lot is full, the sound of hymns and the castigation of the “sins of the world” in oratory brilliance can be heard from the church yard …… the front door is closed and locked to the outside world, protecting the lambs from the “slaughter”.  On the front porch of this tribute to Christian Knowitallity there is a man, haggard and worn; hungry, thirsty, cold and alone.    The man knocks on the door over and over again and calls out for help, yelling at the top of his lungs.  But, his cries go unheard because the “Christians” inside are too busy celebrating their PERSONAL relationship!  The man ultimately dies and as the service ends, the ushers move his body out of the way so the site of him won’t offend the well-dressed “disciples” as they head to the local restaurant to satisfy their hunger.  They pat each other on the back and congratulate each other on another good show; they climb into their Cadillacs and Mercedes-Benz, never once taking notice of the dead man on the doorstep….there is no need.  They have done their duty — they have joined together to judge sin.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 ”Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 ”The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

 ”Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

 ”They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

 ”He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

 ”Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”  Matthew 25:34-46

These “Christian” know-it-all’s spend so much time concerned with pointing out the “sins of the world” that they miss the stranger on the doorstep cold, hungry and alone.  When they miss him, they miss Jesus! 

As Christians, we need to be about the business of pointing sinners toward Jesus, not just pointing out their sin — chances are, they already know what it is, and it’s just not our job.  There’s too much pain and anguish in the world for Christians to add to it.  Let us not let their cries for help be drowned out by our applause for how accomplished and knowledgeable we are!

And this is how it is…

I used to think I was smart.  I used to think I was a good musician.  I used to think I was a good writer.  My thinking has changed.

When I was growing up and in school people used to tell me how smart they thought I was.  I didn’t really ever buy into it all that much but, you know after a while you kinda start believing things that you hear over and over again.  I never really considered myself a genius or anything and I certainly knew that there were people smarter than me, but I always caught on to stuff really easily, especially History and English, so I kinda thought, ok, maybe I’m smart.

Like I said, my thinking has changed.  I’m barely hanging on this semester.  The last two semesters I’ve managed to pull 4.0’s but, this semester I’ll be lucky to hit a 3.  This semester is the first semester since I’ve been back in school that I’ve had classes that are really even a bit challenging.  I’m struggling — BIG TIME!!  I’ve got a 15-20 page paper due in a month and I don’t even really know where to start.  I’m supposed to integrate the concepts I’ve learned this semester, but I don’t know how to do it, which tells me I haven’t learned anything.  My friends from school have all seemed to manage to get through school, graduate and go on to lead happy and productive lives.  Meanwhile, I’m 37, work a job making $12 an hour, miserable and barely making it.  I used to think I was smart.  I’ve changed my thinking.

Around sixth grade, I started playing music.  I learned piano at home and started playing trumpet in school.  I was really pretty good at both of them — once again, I seemed to catch on really easily.  All through high school I competed in music contests and won many of them.  I had medals, patches, trophies and ribbons all saying what a great musician I was.  I even received an award from the United States Marine Corps when I was a senior.  They wanted me to audition for the Marine Band.  I didn’t do that and instead took a near full scholarship to East Texas State University (now Texas A&M Commerce) in music.

When I got to school and auditioned for my place I was seated 17th out of 21 trumpets.  It was 15 seats lower than I’d ever been seated in a band before.  I was humiliated.  I was playing third part trumpet when I’d always played first.  Then classes started and the humiliation and embarrassment deepened even further.  My very first day in Music Theory we were assigned a paper on Solfeggio — not only did I not know what that was, I’d never even heard the word.  Everyone else in the class seemed to know exactly what they were doing.

Twenty one days after classes started, I withdrew from all of my classes and went home.  I had never been so embarrassed in my life.  I couldn’t stand knowing that I didn’t know nearly as much about music as I thought.  I’d been hearing for seven years what a great musician I was and I was suddenly faced with the fact that I was at best…mediocre.  Over the past several years I’ve played from time to time and sung here and there.  Meanwhile I have friends making CD’s and traveling the globe doing what I was supposed to be so good at.  I used to think I was a good musician.  I’ve changed my thinking.

I started writing when I was just a kid.  Even in elementary school I enjoyed writing book reports and other reports for classes.  When I was in high school I had two different English teachers call me into their rooms privately to tell me how impressed they were with the work I’d done.  I remember my senior research paper — when I spoke with my teacher about it, she told me it was one of the best written she’d ever read and that I should consider a career writing.  Of course, I was still under the deception that I was a good musician, so I ignored her.

I’ve done a lot of writing over the last couple of years and have received numerous compliments on my work.  Recently, though I started reading the work of a friend of mine, and frankly, I can’t write like that.  I don’t know how.  He has literally hundreds of people reading his work every single day and I struggle to get out of single digits.  I’ve submitted work for publication and been turned down multiple times.  He has been published multiple times in national magazines.  I used to think I was a good writer.  I’ve changed my thinking.

And this is how it is…..

I’ve though many things about myself and each time God has seen fit to put someone in my path to reveal to me just how wrong I really am.  So, I accept my mediocrity now.  I accept my $12 an hour job and I accept my 2.5.  I have believed for years now that there are people in the world destined to achieve and people in the world destined to stand by and watch and I accept now that I am a watcher.  I will not be a well-known musician, I will not teach others what I know and I will not change the world with my words.

Because this is how it is.

High School Cheerleader

My thirteen year old niece tried out for high school cheerleader this afternoon.  She made the varsity squad.  She will be the only freshman on the varsity squad next year.  I’m so proud of her.  She’s always been a beautiful, talented, intelligent little girl — and now, I am faced with the fact that she is a beautiful, talented, intelligent young woman.  It’s hard for me to believe that the little baby I held in my arms in Dallas Methodist Hospital what seems like only yesterday is about to be in high school.  Before long she’ll be driving, dating and then she’ll be graduating and going off to college to live her life.  That’s a lot to handle right now.

I’m so proud of her — I’m proud of both my nieces ….. but, it’s hard to wrap my mind around her growing  up so fast. 

My heart is aching a little tonight.

Guilt!

I have panic attacks.  Really, REALLY bad panic attacks.  Over the last couple of years they have become progressively worse to the point that I don’t go many places other than to work, school and assorted errands which are required for day to day living.  I have friends I don’t see any longer because of them.  I have passions I don’t fulfill any longer because of them.  I have become a prisoner of my own fear … I don’t live, I simply exist.

I feel a lot of things because of these attacks.  There is, of course, loneliness, bitterness, anger and self-loathing to name a few.  But, the one feeling that swallows all of the others — the one feeling that consumes me day and night — is guilt!  I wrestle with this guilt every single day of my life and it is present on multiple levels in my life.  Because of the depth of this guilt, I can scarcely wake up in the mornings and go about my business during the day without taking time out during the day to weep over the pain I’ve caused.

I have a wonderful family and they mean the world to me.  I would do anything for them.  However, my struggle with depression and especially anxiety have damaged my family deeply and caused some very painful memories for all of us.  Without going into great detail I can say that my panic and fear has both prevented my family from doing things together and have made the things we have done miserable memories rather than happy ones.  Two years ago we took a vacation together to Niagara Falls.  It was one of the most glorious things I’ve seen in my life.  But, my anxiety caused multiple painful events during the trip.

It has become so painfully clear to me these last few days that my family will not always be together.  My nieces are growing up so quickly.  The oldest will be in high school next year, then off to college.  Before I know what’s going on, my youngest niece will be doing the same things.  I have missed so many things they’ve done and I’m running out of time to see more of them.  This breaks my heart and crushes my soul.  I’ve wasted so much time and there’s not much time left.

There are days when I don’t even want to wake up in the mornings.  These are the days I wish I could simply disappear and and be erased from my family’s memories so that their hurt over my struggles would be gone.  I would give anything if I could do that for them because that is what they deserve.  But, I can’t do that and because of that the guilt goes on. 

And that is my guilt……..